CTGal_1966's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

I am 9 months clean, but I used 3 times in 3 months for one day at a time... and that brought my cleantime according to the masses to just 21 days.. today was hard... i was having cravings, my teeth were grinding... but I couldn't give up... I finally made the decision not to do drugs... and I am sticking to it... sure it would have been easy to give up this time.... especially after today 2 panic attacks along with my teeth grinding and the chills... but I told all of those people in the projects they wouldn't see me anymore... that I was gonna do it. they didn't believe me... expected to see me the next day... but I haven't been back, and i am not given in now... sure somedays are unpleasant and you think back to the times you were high and obliviously to stress, or anger or having to cope with everyday life... but then you remember how many times you went days without eating, days without sleeping, weeks without a shower, peeing in the woods, living in your car, having to give head to dealers for drugs... the last time i used i was soaked to the skin, it was like a moonsoon... and then I got ripped off, and stood up and ended up at a person's house I had stayed away from for over 2 yrs... when I got in the house, and remembered what supporting other peoples habits was like - I immediately knew I had to get out. I walked to a payphone and called my dad... it was like 2am... but he came to get me. and I haven't used any drugs for recreational reasons since then... and I know I will make it... because It is my choice. not a choice made for me by someone else... those choices don't work. but mine will. thank god... i guess i had to go through the last ten years the way I did, in order to be the person i am today. I think i can help others who like me... just get tired of it. life is good... and being high doesn't make it ANY DIFFERENT... IT JUST MAKES YOU DIFFERENT. lynn

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Alot of things have been happening lately, that have kind of tuned my mood toward the garbage pail... you'd think after beeing clean 8 months, getting out of jail, and being pretty regulated on my medication - I would be somewhat happier then this...

You Mean This IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS... God help me see a light at the end of this tunnel... I am separated... not by choice - he just up and left... well it didn't exactly happen that way, but that's what makes me feel better... the truth is well I am recovering addict now with 8 months clean, but then.. I used crack/cocaine everyday, all day & all night... and spent my husbands' paychecks before he got them... he used too... but nobody out of all the people we hung out with... had a habit like mine... it never ended.

My sister was no help, she used too... and 9 days after he left me - he called me at her house... he wanted to come home - but she didn't want to her party nite without her son to be fucked up... so she turned the phone off and nevere told me he tried to reach me... What Gave Her The Right To Play God!!!!

Michael is his name, he ended up a chick's house whom we both knew used drugs, and was easy... he called me from her house too... but even though Barb (my sister) answered the phone, she didn't tell me it was for me. That same night, he put a gun in his mouth and wanted to pull the trigger... but my friend (the chick that's easier bread & butter), got some alcohol so they could get drunk - while they thought I would show up... but i didn't know.... I am glad I didn't show up, because if I showed up when she was fucking my man - I would of killed her.

Only 9 fucking days... god my bed wasn't even cold yet. Well that was then, and this is now... Since that day, I have been arrested 3 times, gone to jail, got sober, gained weight, and haven't seen nor talked to Michael in 1-1/2 yrs... you think I would be other the SOB. But they say, some people never get over a broken heart... and I believe that I am one of them...

I love so fully, so completely, sn unconditional love that doesn't have to be returned... it would be nice... but it doesn't change the obvious that I will love him til i die.

What a way to let you know me... I guess I am tired of PMS (Putting Up With Mens Shit), and this just happens to be where I am venting tonite.

About Me: Major depression, adad, ptsd, agoraphobia w/acute panic attacks... no shopping for me, no fairs, no picnics, no beaches... I can go out like a normal person... I am terrified... I can't work due to physical disabilities that include rheumatoid arthris, sciatica, herniated discs, osteo-arthritis... I can't stand or walk very far or for very long. So it's good think I got a computer and can type as well as i do... without ever looking at the keyboard - because the computer is my friend... my confident.... my fun and learning experience.

Thanks to a car accident in 1999 in which i got oh boy 1000 dollars after they paid all my bills off... haven't worked since... can't. Can't get SSD either... they claim that my physical disabilities are caused by my drug use... rather then the way it really happened was I was in chronic pain, and was looking for anything, anyway to numb the pain even if it was just for a little while... Cause I really just wanted to die, but that asshole judge discredited both my neuralogist and his EMPLOYMENT COUNSELLOR - and turned me down flat... for the 3rd time... You can't file after 3 times... I even had a lawyer and everything.

Now I pray they will give me state welfare... right now, i get just 200 dollards a month which goes to my parents for rent, and 140 dollars in food-stamps - which I am allowed 30 dollars for things I like, the rest goes to the house for food.... technically my father can't force me to give him either the money or the food-stamps, but he is giving me a place to live, and drives me to my appts, he just bought me 150 dollars in new clothes for the fall & winter... so i really shouldn't complain about the living arrangements...

but not only are they both elderly, my mother is like me in chronic pain - it is sheer willl and determination that gets us off the chairs or the beds... but my father doesn't see it that way... he thinks we are exagerating... I am telling the truth... sometimes I can't even get out of the bed.

Plus my mom, she's the greatest when she is normal... but she is bi-polar and for some ungodly reason the 1st time since 1977 - she is having a mood swing... and it has been going on for 2 months already... none of the medication they give her works... I am living in a loony bin for sure... I am trying to get into a group home - to get the hell out of here... I am just about ready for an insane asylum - too bad the governor of Connecticut shut them all down... that's why my mom isn't better yet, she needs a mental health facility round the clock til her medication is right... but we don't have one of those anymore...

sure their are private ones... but who has 30 grand to blow on 2 week stay in a nut house... Certainly not me or my family.

I am gonna like this... having my own space to post whatever it is I feel like... and nobody to tell me no... or that is unappropriate... unappropriate for who?

This is my blah, blah blah blah spot. and nobody can stop me.

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